1. If Simone Biles were my daughter, she wouldn’t be an Olympic gold medalist. She would not. My children each have one activity that they go to once/twice per week and that alone drains me. 7AM Saturday morning gymnastics lessons? Fuck outta here. If Simone Biles were mine she’d be on an iPad somewhere eating macaroni and cheese out of a Tupperware.
2. I wish I could commit to a vegan/vegetarian lifestyle. I know humans eating meat makes little sense. We don’t hunt, we don’t eat animals whole like animals who do hunt. We’re supposed to eat leaves and berries and shit, but I like meat. Well, I like seasoning, I’m not sure if I even like meat. I wouldn’t eat it raw and without seasoning, so I guess I don’t. If I only liked strawberry jam I couldn’t claim to like strawberries. I like pre-hunted, cleaned, preferably deboned, hair-free, no face, soft-ish, cooked perfectly, seasoned meat from only 2-3 specific animals. And I find vegans irritating, sorry guys I love you but shut up we already know we’re shit.
I was watching a YouTube video about humans and meat and this professor said, “If you put a child in a cage* with a bunny, their instinct is to pet or hug it. If you put a young dog in a cage with a bunny, its instinct is to tear it apart and eat it.” He said this is how you know we’re not supposed to eat meat.
I love that he had this thought and worry that he’s tested it with real children and cages, but I disagree. If you put a child in a cage with most meals they won’t eat them. And if a human child were hungry enough, I think they would eat that bunny, sorry. It’s not a pretty thought, but they would.
Also, when I was a child, we had a female rabbit. Despite us having only one bunny, she somehow got pregnant and had these teeny tiny little weird looking bunny babies. Being around 7 or 8, I couldn’t resist touching them all lightly on the head. Do you know what happened next? She ate them. She ate her children. Apparently animals do this if they feel like they are in danger. I didn’t see her eat them (thank God) but the next day they were all gone and there were little streaks of blood on the newspaper lining her cage. I’m not saying I was scarred for life but I hate rabbits. They’re monsters.
3. I’m ready for aliens to invade. I know they’re out there watching us. The NASA cameras turn off when they land and take off after meeting with Obama (look it up), and I’m ready for them to finally colonize Earth. I’m racist against humans and want to see us go down. I hope they read this and make me a general of some kind. I’m a little sad for my kids as it will be scary, but children are resilient.
4. I’m worried about my book coming out. I know/think it’s a good book but I don’t want to promote or tour it. I’m a writer not a goddam media slut (sorry that’s rude) and I don’t like having to smile on cue, get on planes (they’re not right)*, wear non-pajamas, go places I’ve never been before, wear shoes, shower regularly, or have to be anywhere at a specific time. I really don’t want to do Good Morning America or the Today show again. The people were all very nice but it’s a goddamn circus and I worry about throwing up on live TV. That shit would be on YouTube set to music in five seconds and that can’t be my legacy for my children.
*We’re not supposed to be up there. Last year when I was doing a lot of travel I started flying only first class. It wasn’t because I wanted to be treated like royalty, it was because if shit got real, I wanted to be up front to see it. Plus, if a plane is crashing, the people in the front suffer the least, I think. It’s very unfair and inherently discriminatory that this is true, but it is. Also, I like the leg room.
5. The side of my left wrist hurts. It’s been hurting for almost three months but I’m not sure what the next course of action should be. I have carpal tunnel from working at Starbucks as a teen (we should do a class action). Before they had their new espresso machines where you just push a button, they had the kind people use in their homes. The repetitive movement destroyed my tendons or whatever muscle it is. I’m very resentful that this corporation did this to an innocent child and want an apology and all the maple scones I can eat for life.
6. I didn’t watch the Olympics. I watched the highlights but I find it too stressful. I don’t want to see someone fall down and get paralyzed. Also, it’s an enormous waste of money. People are starving. We’re basically living the Hunger Games at this point with the stratification of the global society juxtaposed with elaborate spectacles of self-congratulation. We deserve aliens.
7. I know people are worried about me, but I think I’m ok. Thank you.
9. I think about aliens a lot. What is their fuel source? Are they more advanced than us? We automatically assume that they are, but what if they’re not? What do their faces look like? Will they even have traditional faces? Are they kind, mean, or just cold? Are they part robot (please God let them be part robot)? How long have they been around? How do they reproduce? What do they think about us? What do they think about Netflix? Do they eat? DO THEY WANT TO EAT US? What are their intentions? Are they interested in our natural resources? Do some of them already live here? So many questions, sigh.
10. I kind of want a dog. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time and believe I’m ready. A dog would make me have to leave the house regularly (for walking). I don’t mind cleaning up after it. We have a cat who is obese (we’re working on it- Gaston is an emotional eater after spending many years on the street and is trying to live a normal life), but I think he’d be ok with it. As for breeds, I don’t care. I’ll adopt one from a shelter, obviously. I’d like a medium-sized dog who won’t eat my kid’s faces off. I’m looking forward to walking with it on a leash like people in deodorant commercials, cuddling up with it, and all of those dog things people do. I know it’s a big commitment. The only thing that worries me is getting attached to the dog and it dying. Never mind I don’t want a dog. Just kidding I do. I can handle it.
10.5 Aliens, if you’re reading this, I would not like to be abducted. If you do this I’ll do everything in power to destroy the room that I’m in costing you potentially millions of Earth dollars. I’m serious about working together.